endless day

Starving your child for any reason is always hard and we have always been lucky that any lumbar punctures or bone marrow tests that needed to be done were always on the morning list of the Wednesday clinic. But today was not Wednesday and there was no clinic which meant we were on the emergency surgery list.

We always knew that this could mean delays but when you stop your child eating and drinking when they go to bed you kind of hope that things might move a bit quicker. 10am was the first time we were given, then 12, then 2. By this time Elizabeth was becoming emotional and upset. She wanted to eat and she wanted some water.

6pm finally came and we were taken down to surgery. Holding my child in my arms whilst they fall asleep due to a general anesthetic is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. Thankfully she has had a few so they have got easier and there was no tears just a big gaping hole in my chest.

The hole stayed with me whilst I had some dinner, it stayed with me as I paced up and down the corridors and it stayed with me as tried to sit and read.

Its weird feeling as though a part of you is missing. I didn’t really notice that this was what I was feeling until I saw her in recovery and felt whole again. My bruised and bloody girl has never come round from anesthetic easily and she fights the need to wake up. She just wants to sleep. That is what she is doing now. I can hear her breathing and slightly snoring. Its the only sound apart from the air conditioning and my fingers tapping away at the keys in the dark.

We hope to go home tomorrow but in this place you never know.