After finding one of the girls Christmas lists, I decided that it was about time that Santa either became revealed as a complete fake or that he had to explain that they couldn’t have the extremely expensive gifts that they wanted. I wasn’t sure I was quite ready for the tears so decided that Santa might have to explain that this year he is a bit skint due to austerity issues. So he wrote them a letter….
Dear Wonderful Child,
Thank you so much for your letter. You certainly seem to have had lots of ideas of all of the wonderful items that you want to find under your tree this year. Your list is very long and full of some very expensive presents, you must have put a lot of time and effort into it. I know that your parents have mentioned that these items may be a little bit too extravagant, and I know that you explain I could just ask the elves to make them but you need to understand that this still has a cost implication. Keeping the elves happy and healthy takes a lot of resources. From food, accommodation, and materials to build the presents, plus the distribution costs, I am afraid we will have to be cutting costs across all departments this year. It is time for us to implement some austerity measures.
After the recent announcement that the UK voted out of the EU, I have had to look into our employment processes to ensure we were not going to fall foul of any immigration issues and with the value of the pound continuing to drop we have had to source our materials further afield. This means that the quality has really gone downhill. The cost of heating has also gone up which means we have turned it off completely and instead we have provided all of the elves with a Primark onesie and a warmer hat to help to keep them warm.
Due to escalating costs earlier this year we made the decision to outsource the care of the Reindeers and although the original package looked good we have just been to check and I am sad to say that we had the wool pulled over our eyes. Instead of a stable full of healthy reindeer we found a run down shed full of half-starved dogs with horns tied to their heads and obviously they are unable to pull the sleigh across the night sky. Unfortunately, this means we have had to look into alternative means of transport and that means we have had to cut back on the number of presents we distribute to each child to just one.
With all of this in mind, I would really appreciate it if you would take the time to write me a new list (including a Self Addressed Envelope with a stamp on). I recommend that you look in the pound shop or home bargains for inspiration.
Wishing you a lovely cheap festive season
With love from
Do you think it will work?